Auctioned Off
by Doesnotknowname
Summary: It's time for the school fair at Homurahara academy, and Rin's been assigned with the job of finding dates to auction off. Not a problem for one living in the Emiya household. Or at least, that's what Rin thought anyway.
1. A Modest Proposal

Saber folded her arms.

"I refuse. A king does not sell their body for gold! That would be disgraceful."

"Come on Saber!" Rin pleaded, "It's not like that! It's for the school fair! What do you think Rider?"

"Rin, I do not feel very comfortable… Perhaps Sakura would be more open to the idea?"

It was almost time for the school fair, the part of the year when academia needs currency and its students need a break, so both parties agree to give the other what they need. Now it just so happened that the student council had voted on one of the fundraisers to be auctioning off dates at the fair. Lovely candidates of all shapes and sizes were invited to be a part of the auction, with the male student body in particular casting a hopeful eye on the lovely ladies of the Emiya household. Unfortunately for them, it had seemed that they weren't about to see the house offer any candidates. Nobody in the family had felt the need to help out the auction. Nobody that is, save for the most troublesome one.

"Rin," Shirou said gently, "Maybe we should ask some other girls to be dates."

"What? Come on! Saber and Rider would Bring. In. That. Yen. We would be fools not to use them! What do you think Fujimura-sensei?"

From the kitchen, Fujimura clapped her hands in delight. It was so rare for her to be included in one of Rin's not-so-clandestine meetings in the living room.

"I think Saber and Rider would fetch a high price, don't you think Shirou?" she called.

"Well, yes. But Fuji-nee, that's not the point…"

"Rin." Saber said, crossing her arms, "If you are so concerned with making this… auction, a success, why not offer yourself and Sakura? I do not doubt you two would be deemed highly valuable yourselves."

Rin rolled her eyes. "I've already told you. Sakura's setting up an archery event for the fair, she doesn't have the time to be on a date."

"And what about you?"

"I'm going to be in charge of selling the wares at the auction and managing the dates. And I'm having _Emiya-kun_ here help me out with dinner."

Saber's eyes narrowed into slits. Rin had said Shirou's name a little too sweetly for her taste.

Rider cast a sideways glance at Saber, watching her glare daggers at Rin's coy smile. When Saber closed her eyes and huffed, Rider realized she was planning something. By this point the two servants had become like sisters themselves, that look of deep concentration that pretended to be a look of calm always meant Saber had a plot in mind. She had been hanging around Archer too much.

"Fine." Saber finally said, "We accept."

Rider raised her eyebrows. She didn't remember acquiescing.

"On one condition." Saber added, " Shirou must be auctioned off with us."

"What?" Rider said.

"What?!" Rin yelled.

Shirou said nothing. His mind was still processing the idea.

And a long walk away near the shopping district, Sakura's finely honed senpai-senses were tingling, telling her it was time to hurry home.

Rin glared hard at Saber, her eyes screaming obscenities at the equally defiant king. The two continued their staring contest, filling the air with an overwhelming killing intent while the rest of those present could only wait in agony.

"Shirou! Do something!" Rider screamed… in her mind that is. They weren't telepathically connected, but it was worth trying anything to escape this hell. To her surprise, Shirou gave her a small, terrified nod.

"Um, Tohsaka." He said, using her last name again out of habit, "You know, I really don't mind."

Rin turned to him slowly. Very slowly. To the sound of nails on a chalkboard.

"What was that Emiya-kun? I didn't hear it right."

Rider's gaze flicked from Rin to Shirou. "Back down Shirou" she pleaded in her thoughts, "Wait for backup. Sakura's on her way. Don't be an idiot. Don't be an idiot."

"I mean, it's for the school right? I don't mind being a part of the auction if it means Saber and Rider will participate. It sounds fun."

Rider gulped. Saber was too far away to help, could she pull Shirou away to safety by herself if Rin decided to rip his head off?

Now it was Shirou's turn to be stared at, as Rin's face broke into the widest, scariest smile he had ever seen. Any moment now, Rin would reach out and pull Shirou's head from his body before Saber could even think of moving. It wasn't even a matter of if she'd do it, but when.

Rider scanned Rin carefully for any sign of movement. The lightest twitch, and Bellerophon swoops down and flies them to safety.

Rin sighed.

"...You know what? Fine. I'll sign you up too."

"Woah really? I mean- Yes, please do. Thank you, Rin."

"Hmph!" Rin pouted, as she slinked out of the room, defeated. Saber however, looked equally crushed. Her eyes were downcast, and her shoulders were heavy. She even had the beginnings of a blush in her cheeks.

"Saber? What's wrong?!" Shirou and Rider both asked.

"I… I did not think Rin would go through with it." she answered, her hands clasping together and her face turning crimson.

Suddenly the door slammed open, pulled aside with a hand so violent it would unnerve Berserker. Sakura flew into the room, fire in her eyes and steam in her ears. Normal respiration was not providing her the oxygen she needed, so she had taken to gulping down air, all to prepare for screaming the one plea she held in her heart.

"No Nee-san don't do it! Don't kill Senpai! I'm sure he didn't mean anythi... eh?"

Rin was not here.

Shirou scratched his head apologetically. Saber only looked at her with great sorrow in her emerald eyes. Rider broke the bad news.

"You're too late Sakura. Shirou is being auctioned off."

"What? No! He can't! Some floozy with too much money will… Will..."

"Sakura," Shirou said, "Don't you think you might be overreacting?"

"Overreacting? Senpai you cook, clean, do whatever anyone says, and have a six pack. Those evil women will rip you apart! D-don't worry though. I'll save you from Nee-san's machinations! Somehow!"

"Sakura? Sakura you don't have to cry-"

"WAAAAAAAHHHHH"

Barely indistinguishable from the wail of misery in the air was the sound of laughter emanating from their kitchen. Fujimura could barely hold on to her sides. Shirou had grown so popular. Oh if only Kiritsugu could see what's become of his boy!


	2. Going Once, Going Twice

It was the day of the school fiar, and a date with Rider was up for auction.

"800 yen!" Archer called out.

 _Archer, what the hell are you doing?_ Rin hissed telepathically from onstage, as she barely kept her smile together.

"800!" she cried into a loudspeaker, "I heard 800! Any other bidders?"

"A thousand yen!" cried a random, brave boy from the first-years.

 _Rider refused to leave me alone until I promised I to bail her out,_ he answered.

 _Ugh, fine. You do actually have the money right?_

Archer glanced over at the blue-haired man next to him. The man was busy trying not to ogle at any of the students; a certain Enforcer with steel for fists would know. She somehow always knew.

"Lancer?" Archer asked, "Did you bring any cash for the fair?"

"Wazzat? Oh uh, 9,000 yen. Why?"

 _Yes Master, indeed I do._ "1,500!" he called out.

"1,500! Anyone able to top that?"

"2000!" someone called meekly. It was one of the teachers, a woman with a yellow blouse and a very, very red face.

Damn. Bailing Rider out was going to cost a lot more than Archer thought it would be.

"3000!" he yelled.

"3,200!"

Screw it. "9000 yen!" he said with a tone of finality.

The crowd gasped at the display of financial power.

"9000 yen for the lovely Rider-san!" Rin announced, "Anyone going to top that? No? Going once! Going twice! It's a date!"

On the stage, Rider visibly sighed

Light applause came from the crowd, especially from the girls. Archer raised his hand slightly, soaking in the victory, before sitting back down next to Lancer. The ponytailed man had failed, his eyes were lazily drifting on a stern looking girl with gray hair and thick glasses. Archer recognized the girl as Himuro Kane, one of Rin's friends.

"Say Archer, does this one look like a B or a—"

"Listen. Lancer, uh, I'm going to need to borrow that 9,000 yen."

"What."

* * *

It was Shirou's turn now, and the crowd went quiet at the mention of his name. No one raised their hands, no one dared to bid.

It was common knowledge at Homurahara Academy that there were three rules for surviving til graduation. One, study hard. Two, do not mock Fujimura-sensei's name. Three, at no point do you ever, _ever,_ cross Tohsaka Rin, and the absolute worst way to do it would be to mess with Emiya Shirou.

Nobody quite knew how it happened; Tohsaka Rin was the most popular girl in school, so brilliant and beautiful no man proved acceptable. Hell, no one really knew if she even considered anyone to be worthy of being her close friend. Emiya Shirou on the other hand… was Homurahara's brownie. If people knew him at all, it was because he would fix their classroom's airconditioner, or sweep their club rooms. For him to be _the_ Tohsaka Rin's beau was straight up unthinkable. And yet, to everyone's great surprise (and Issei's great dismay), the two had begun eating lunch together seemingly out of nowhere.

Now a date with the only person to impress Rin was up for auction, but nobody moved a muscle. The wide smile on Rin's face issued a terrifying warning to anyone stupid enough to come take her man.

Near the back, Rin's classmate and friend Saegusa took her track teammates Makidera and Himuro in for a group huddle.

"I don't like it." she said, "Tohsaka-san's being embarrassed out there! She's just standing around while no one bids. Why won't anyone bid on Emiya-kun?"

"Maybe girls just don't want to date a housewife." Maki said a little too loudly, "He seems like a rather dull date."

"In any case," Himuro chimed in, "The question is not why, but what. What are we going to do to rescue Miss Tohsaka from this humiliation?"

There was a short pause as the track trio pondered over it.

"No one? No one at all is going to bid for Emiya-kun?" Rin said into the microphone, still smiling sweetly.

"We have to do something quick!" Saegusa urged.

"Hmm… Maki, Saegusa, how much do you have on you?" Himuro said, "I think I have an idea."

"800 yen!" someone called.

Rin's jaw dropped.

Near the back of the seats, stood Himuro Kane, bidding 800 yen for Emiya Shirou. The students broke into whispers. Someone had done it. Someone had been just _stupid_ enough to defy Rin.

Which meant, all of her anger will be directed towards Himuro Kane. Which meant…

It was safe to bid.

"900 yen!" a girl at the front called.

"1000!"

This was getting out of hand. People were actually bidding! She mentally scrambled for her next strategy. In keeping Shirou away from other women, she only had two allies: Sakura,and her archnemesis, Issei. Sakura was out of the picture, hosting an archery event the same time as the fair. She had however, foreseen this happening, and had given Issei enough money to bid on Shirou should the need arise.

Rin only hoped Sakura had brought enough.

"1200!"

"2,000!"

Rin felt her heart threatening to leap up her throat and out her mouth. People were bidding higher. Some… some floozy with cash was going to take her Emiya!

No. She couldn't panic. A Tohsaka must always be calm and elegant. Calm. Elegant. Calm.

"4,000 yen!" yelled some stupid girl with a stupid face who did not deserve her stupid Shirou.

No! She must be the picture of very portrait of serenity-"

"6,000 yen!" Issei called, ignoring the sudden stares and whispers of "I knew it." from the crowd.

"6,500!" called a certain girl with thick glasses who Rin thought was _supposed to be_ her friend..

"NOOO!" Rin screamed, but it was too late. The student body had tasted rebellion against Tohsaka Rin, and it was _addicting_.

* * *

Rin did not know if she wanted to cry or rage about as Shirou walked off the stage. She turned back to look at the final date to be sold, but Saber did not meet her gaze; she was busy glaring at the silver haired girl walking off with her master. It seems she did not approve either.

Rin sighed, then picked herself up. She would have a lot of explaining to do when Sakura came back to find she and Issei had sold Shirou off.

Oh well. They would worry about that later.

"And last but definitely not the least," Rin announced to the roar of the crowd, "A date with the lovely Saber-san! Bidding for this gem starts at 1000 yen!"

It looked to be the fiercest battle yet. Boys and girls alike wanted a date with the gorgeous foreigner who had apparently come to visit Emiya as a friend of the family and then proceeded to never return home. Between her, Tohsaka, Matou, and Rider, the boys of Homurahara wondered if Emiya had been favored by the gods to be this blessed.

Rin's eyes sparkled with delight as one young man bid a jaw dropping 10,000 yen immediately. Dang, Saber was making bank! She had just begun to think of how much she should charge the student council for her auctioneer fee when an all too familiar voice boomed over the crowd.

"As if any of you mongrels deserve the right to court _my_ Saber."

Silence fell over the crowd as a handsome blonde man that none of the students recognized forced his way to the front, casually backhanding a few boys who had not gotten out of the way in time.

Archer shot a glare at Lancer, who shrugged lightly.

"Ahh, right. I forgot I was supposed to keep an eye on the lad today while Caren attended a church meeting. How was I supposed to know he'd be an adult today?"

"Lancer…" Archer growled.

"Ah, ah, relax. I've already called for back up."

They both turned again to the loud man in front, who had waltzed onstage and seized the microphone from Rin.

"That witch Caren told me one could not buy love, yet what do we have here? A squabble of idiots attempting to purchase _my wife._ Begone from my sight before I skewer you all!"

The crowd buzzed. Wife? Saber-san seemed way too young to have gotten married. What did he mean by skewer?

"We are _not_ married!" Saber said hotly, "This is a school fundraiser, and if you are not going to bid then you may leave at once!"

Gil eyed her coldly.

"Very well then my dear, don't say that you've never seen the generosity of the king."

Reaching into his jacket, Gilgamesh threw gold bars and jewelry on to Rin's feet. If her jaw had hit the floor before, now it had tunneled through the Earth and popped back up somewhere in Canada.

"Now, unless someone in this rabble could match this mere inkling of my wealth, I'll be taking my bride now."

"Not so fast you petty thief!" cried an older woman's voice, "Saber shall be mine!"

A dagger was tossed onto the stage, landing in between Gil's feet. Its pommel contained a jewel of unknown kind in the center, while the knife itself glowed with an otherwordly power.

"That," said the voice's owner, a beautiful woman who the students had seen accompanying Kuzuki-sensei around, "Is a ritual dagger from ancient Cyprus, over 5,000 years old, enchanted with the ability to give its owner good fortune and a ward against the common cold. It is worth approximately 40 million yen, much, much more than your foolish gold!"

Archer turned to Lancer again with one eyebrow raised. Lancer chuckled.

"There's only one person with a bigger crush on Saber."

Gilgamesh stamped the stage like a toddler with its toy taken away.

"You dare take my belongings, mongrel?" he shouted.

"Your claims mean nothing in this world anymore piss-for-hair!" she shouted back. "Match my bid or run back crying to mommy and ask for a bigger allowance!"

Archer and Lancer's eyebrows leapt up at Caster's peculiar wording. She had definitely been watching too many soap operas at home.

"Tch! Vile woman! Aren't you supposed to be married?"

"I'll have you know Soichirou-sama is very open-minded and supportive of my interests. He would not be the perfect husband otherwise!"

Gil glared at Caster and began to throw more and more gold and jewelry into the small pile. Caster smirked, confident in her victory, and turned to Saber with hunger in her eyes.

"Ooh Saber, you'll just love the outfits I've planned for you to wear to our date!"

Saber gulped as she watched the two bidders fight over her companionship for one afternoon. Forget Shirou, maybe she was the one who needed rescuing.

Her eyes spied another silver-haired woman to enter the crowd. But it was not the one with glasses who walked off with Shirou. No. This was...

Actually, scratch that part about her needing rescuing. That would be Gilgamesh.

A cold wave washed over the auction as a steely voice called out for the golden servant.

"A witch am I? At least the dog knows not to talk behind my back."

If Rin was unfamiliar with the effect Caren had on people, she would have sworn Rider had cast her Blood Fort over the school. Her knees began to wobble, and the heat slowly drained from her face. The students on the other hand, felt a growth of anxiety slowly creep over their hearts. Saber herself felt a drop of sweat fall from her ribboned hair, while Caster gripped tightly to a protective charm she held in her pocket. All this time, Gilgamesh held a look not known to his face for millenia; complete and utter terror.

Mama was home.

Caren strode on to the stage, seizing Gil's ear with one hand and pulling him off to the side, handing the microphone back to Rin.

"I thought I told you to watch the church in my absence. What would we have done if I came back and found a dead apostle had made it its new nesting ground?" she hissed.

"I had an inkling some thieves were after my belongings. Besides, no one ever comes to that ugly place anyway!"

Caren's eyes narrowed into slits. Gilgamesh gulped, he still wasn't used to watching his words.

"What are you doing here Gilgamesh?"

"I'm claiming my rightful bride from these pack of mongrels."

"What. Are. You. Doing. Gilgamesh?"

"...I'm trying to buy a date with Saber."

Caren looked over Gil's shoulder and shot a piercing look at the king of knights. The king of knights smiled sheepishly.

"If you leave the church unguarded again after I've ordered you to protect it, I'll feed your legs to the dog."

"I'm right here Caren!" Lancer called from the audience. Caren ignored him.

"Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes."

"What was that?"

"Yes, Caren."

"Good."

Producing an enormous sack from thin air, Caren dumped bills upon bills at Rin, until she had been buried alive under a mountain of currency.

"This is 200,000 yen in cash." Caren said, "This man here would like to offer this sum to purchase an afternoon with Saber."

"What?!" Caster shrieked, "That is nowhere near close enough to match the value of my dagger!"

Caren smirked.

"If you had read the auction rules, it clearly stated only cash would be used for all transactions. No bartering, no credit."

Rin stared. Was that part of the rules? She hadn't remembered writing that in, although it sure made a lot of sense now that she thought about it. Perhaps Issei had snuck it in?

"Thus," Caren continued, "This dagger, and all this jewelry, is worthless. Unless you can match the bid, you must admit defeat here and now."

Caster could only stare. It was all anyone could do really. Archer felt his heart sink into his stomach. He didn't even realize that was still possible.

Caren now turned to the crowd.

"If there is anyone here who can challenge my offer, I demand they speak up now."

Silence.

"Nobody? No one at all?"

The atmosphere miraculously grew even quieter.

"Then my servant claims victory. Saber, you _will_ go on a date with him." Caren said matter-of-factly. She walked off the stage and towards the gate, ignoring the stunned faces of… everybody.

"Oh, by the way, we will discuss the appropriate punishment for your insubordination when you get home." she said without even stopping, "And bring Lancer with you, I thought I told him to keep you on a tight leash today."


End file.
